I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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