I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
false alarm. still invincible.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
