Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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