I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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