told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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