I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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