my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
