um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
