I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
