On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
