i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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