hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
