My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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