I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
