I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
