well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
