maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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