I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
