Redeem this text for a blowjob
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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