kristin has been a bad kristin
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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