just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We're too hungover to prance.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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