I molested 6 butterflies tonight
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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