I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
