remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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