WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Randomize
