Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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