Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
third nipple confirmed
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
