did you get engaged???
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
