Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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