we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
