someone get that fucking seahorse.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
