woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
