that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
