Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
