I cannot find my penis.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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