I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Bring me that man meat
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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