I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
