i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
