Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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