I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
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