I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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