Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
