it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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