8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
