You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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