CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
God I need to hump something, right now.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
