last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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