she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
