About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just had sex bonerless
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
