he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
