Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
