I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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