He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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