i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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