Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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