Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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