The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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