I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
