I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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