At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
