No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
